QUESTIONS

Where am i going? Why am i going wherever i am going? Why do i not know? Am i supposed to know? Can i know? The questions go on. There is no end. I keep questioning, even without knowing if there IS an answer. Why am i here? Do i want to be here? Do i like my life only because i feel it would be ungrateful not to? How can i know? It just feels like confusion to me. Is there really a reason why i should even try to fight the confusion? Is there a reason to be confused? Yeah, life is weird. It doesn’t make sense sometimes. Or well, most of the time. But, is it not supposed to be that way? Would it not be boring if it did make sense? If there weren’t so many goddamn questions?! I dont know. I dont know if i should know. All i know is that possibly i can know is that i dont know. Do i know what i know. Probably not. Shouldn’t i answer? Probably not. Do i know? No. No?

WHAT IS TRUE?

We keep debating if our thoughts, ideas, and beliefs are real or not. But, sometimes I wonder if they need to be. If you simply believe in something, even if it isn’t true, doesn’t it become true for you, in your reality? For instance, you believe that there is a God and the thought makes you happy. Even if God doesn’t exist, the happiness you experienced is still very much true. Or the despair felt at the moment when you start believing that all life is meaningless. These ideas, even if they are wrong, do they not still excite real emotions and so become real for at least that person’s reality. This of course brings up the whole idea of if everyone has a different reality, which I think they do (I will write another blog on that later.) but, that is still beside the point. What i am wondering is if things have to be really truly true in a factual sense for them to be “true” or is just your perception of that as true enough? Is a person with schizophrenia necessarily wrong? Do truths have to be universal for them to be true???

ISOLATION

Have u ever felt completely totally disconnected from the world? In a place where only you exist. Sure, there are people all around you. Talking to you, laughing with you, but somehow you are still completely alone. Words are meaningless. So, are the relationships. Every man is an island unto himself. There are no connections. There are just random simulations of friendships, love, hatred, jealousy. There is no rationale. There is no reason for there to be.
We create the connections. We want life to make sense. We want it all to be true. But, have you ever been forced to consider the possibility that it might just all be because you want to believe there is?
If everything is created by us, and nothing is really true. If all our concepts of emotions, relationships, logic aren’t. Then, would life become meaningless? Or will it simply acquire the meaning that you give it? And most importantly, even if it’s all just something we thought up, could it not be that it is true, just because we believe it to be.

STUCK!

She had never felt as trapped in her own body. In her life. S.T.U.C.K. thats what she was. Stuck in a stupid life she didn’t even want to live. Stuck doing things she couldn’t care less for. Stuck taking care of people who didn’t give a damn about her. And the worst part was that there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She could run away. But, what was the point. Where would she go anyway. There was nowhere. She had no options. In any case, she couldn’t run away from herself, no matter how hard she tried. Her memories were hers alone. And they couldn’t be erased. She could kill herself. But, she doubted she would be free of them even then. Do souls have memories???
No. There was no solution. Nothing she could do. She was just stuck. Stuck in her own mind. Stuck because she couldn't escape herself. Stuck because she was she. And could never be anyone else. Could never be someone without those experiences. Even if she lost her memory, she knew their impact to be too deep to ever be removed. She was forever stuck...

THE LETTER ENDED THERE...

They found her body lying on the floor in a pool of blood. It was half burnt. Apparently she had tried to burn herself first, but found it too slow. [So, she had started slashing her body with a huge butcher knife, found lying next to her.] It looked like she had gone mad. She had deep cuts on her whole body. A butcher knife lay beside her. No one knew why. Her friends had seen her laughing just the day before. She had been the most cheerful of them all, laughing the loudest, dancing the wildest. This just made no sense. But, then one friend remembered that she had had a hollow look in her eyes just for one second. A second when she thought no one was looking. She looked like that sometimes. Nobody had ever understood the reason. Or maybe just one person had, but he didn’t care.
In her possessions they found a letter. It was smudged in places, as if whoever wrote it had been crying. It also had bloodstains on it, as if the author punished herself for writing something so useless. Something which would never be read.
It read:
“You tell me to go away from your life. Why don’t you understand that I have no life without you? Yes, I have lost my mind. I lost it the day I met you. I lost it the day I looked into your eyes. You tell me what has happened has happened. That I should move on. What do I move on to?? You were everything I ever had. You were the only thing I ever wanted. Needed.
You know what the biggest irony is. Even as you shattered my world, every dream i ever had, every hope. Just as i knew that there was nothing left. The only person i could think of to make it okay was you.
I know you don’t care. Forget love, you probably don’t even like me enough to come to my funeral. But you know something, i still love you.... “

The letter ended there.

FEAR

She felt a bit scared. But couldnt really even feel that. She had gone numb. Nothing really made sense. What had just happened couldn’t possible have happened. It wasn’t true. It was a nightmare. Yet she was awake. She knew it had happened. She knew it couldn’t be reversed. She knew she had to live with that moment for the rest of her life. She knew that something in her had changed. That she had changed. Maybe, completely. Maybe forever. And she had no choice in the matter. She couldn’t even choose to feel anything. She was too exhausted. She was scared. But there was no energy left to tremble anymore. There was no one who would take care of her when she needed it. No one who could. She wanted to do something. Anything. Just to feel. Just to get over the shock. She used her lighter. She burned her hand. Not because she wanted to hurt herself. Just to feel. Feel something. Feel the pain. She was just so scared. Terrified. And she didn’t know of what. She knew she was safe now. It wont happen again, she tried to tell herself. But its not that simple. It shouldn’t have happened even once. It couldn’t have happened. She wished she could just cry it out. But no tears came. A psychiatrist would say she was in shock(What did that mean? ) or maybe in denial. She wasn’t yet ready to accept the events that had taken place, and was in a state of extreme panic as a result of the past trauma. She knew the words. She had studied them. But they made no sense. Absolutely no sense at all. Really, nothing made sense. She wondered if anything ever again would…

My pitiable attempt at poetry...

Fake smiles

Crying eyes

Cant you see?

Its not real when I smile

Its not true when I laugh.

Do you understand?

Do you care?

Do you know that you took a part of me with you?

Do you know that it was my heart?

Do you understand?

Do you care?